I was so excited when we decided that the next Boss Up event was going to focus on the leadership skill of being AUTHENTIC. Not surprisingly, the AUTHENTIC curriculum is often the one most people tend to avoid. And I get it. Leading authentically sounds so great in theory but in reality can be very difficult. I’ve learned first hand what it takes to get really comfortable with the ugliest part of your story and lead more authentically.
It's been almost a decade since I wrote the first words that would one day become the UNBROKEN 30-day Bible Study. My life, family, and faith journey looked different than it does today. Back in 2016, I was still a part of an evangelical church community, leading worship teams, coaching couples, and married to my first husband. But no one knew we were a few months into a separation that I knew in my gut wasn't going to end the way I wanted.
And, the ending of my first marriage was going to screw up everything I wrote, and processed to believe, in UNBROKEN. The last day of the study was all about the restoration that was happening in the marriage, for goodness sake! And filing for divorce was not very “Celebrate Your Man” of me (if you're an OG you know!) But I had to do it. I had to throw the match and burn it down. I had to get my kids and myself out before something happened we couldn’t go back from. I couldn’t play the role of “Faithful Christian Wife” any long. The trauma and violence of alcoholism had tore my marriage apart for nearly 14 years. And I couldn’t safely stay one day longer.
Some people stay for the kids. Which is valid. But me, I left for them. June 2017 I filed for divorce, and thus began my fight to overcome my own insecurities and lead authentically.
You see, I had all the weeds we see when a leader is not leading authentically. I had a lot of doubt in my ability to be effective as a coach and writer after my marriage failed. I struggled with so much uncertainty on how to talk about that time in my life without focusing on the trauma of it all. And I felt a lot of shame about the things I had wrote and taught that might have brought more harm than good to women who were in the same kind of situation I was. It was a lot to wrestle with.
I stopped talking about UNBROKEN entirely for years. Five to be exact. But at some point in 2021, my heart started to soften towards the woman I was back then. The young mom who wrote those words with all the hope she could muster, in the midst of her greatest heartbreak and fears. I learned a lot during those years between the 1st and 2nd edition.
Here are a few of the things that helped me overcome my doubts and fears and lead with authenticity:
- Let time do its job. The further away you are from it, the more perspective you have.
- Get help. Counselors, doctors, coaches, and all the helpers are there for a reason. Use them.
- Give yourself permission to be in the yuck. Healing happens slowly and in waves. You have to feel it to heal it.
Time and hindsight (and therapy) have given me a chance to give this younger version of me some grace. So much so that I wrote a new epilogue called, "5 Years Later... Plot Twist" and we released it as a 2nd edition in 2021. It debuted as #1 in many charts on Amazon and I was so proud of it.
Today, four years later, I still wrestle with embracing those piece of my story from time to time. It's sometimes easier to pretend that era of my life didn't exist. The one where I was naively hopeful, full of faith, and zealous to "save" other marriages. But it did happen. And it’s an important part of who I am today. I have rebuilt my life and leadership from the ground up and I couldn’t be more proud of that.
If this story resonates with you in any way, I want to invite you to the next Boss Up event. You can find all the details by clicking the link here. These events are for any woman who wants to lead more authentically no matter what the focus is. You will walk away with a better understanding of who you are, and how to live and lead well in this season of your life.
And, as it turns out, the entire premise of the UNBROKEN Bible Study still rings true. The wisdom and stories inside still valid. It’s the cracks in my story, now healed and stronger than before, that are making me unbroken, authentic, and whole.
with grace & grit,
~Coach Raychel
P.S. grab copies of UNBROKEN on Amazon!
